At the Cabin - Thursday

I woke to the sound of Jo's phone alarm, the tune is OK but the buzzing is horrible. I went back to sleep. This was repeated another twice or more, until Jo came and told me the time. So up and doing, but I'm very slow at getting started. Without the discipline of work my natural rhythm is reasserting itself. The session was 15 minutes earlier today. Jo left to go on her slow walk up the hill. I followed, I was not late.

Session 5 - My God, my God why have you forsaken me?

“Golgotha” - from The Passion, but it was created much earlier in a church somewhere where the sun reflecting off a gold cross took on the form of a skull.

What does “forsaken” mean? It is perhaps the worst word in the English language. Lonely, desperate, we talk of a “God forsaken place of community.. It is an awful concept.

When I was thinking and praying about Good Friday preaching, a long while ago, I had decide that a reflection on forsakenness and rejection should be the theme. The chosen readings though were completely different, so think again Pete, as I am committed to speaking on the Bible passage I am given. I wonder what imagery it conjures up for the non-Christian, non-believer, someone without a faith.

Jesus identified with and took on all these places on the cross.

Another expression of faith from a Jewish family hidden for the entirety of WWII:

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining...

My thought as we reflected on this was that God in his grace protects us from the pain that he feels through knowing all about the world.

God knows what it is to be God forsaken, it is one of the experiences that the cross brought to Him. God's solidarity is with man suffering, with those who are experiencing hell on earth.

Jesus died and descended to Hell. What was he doing there? Looking for His friend Judas we were told, but I remember a verse that says none have been lost except the one destined to be lost(John 17:12 ), does that mean Jesus didn't find Judas. Going on with this thought stream is not helpful, it leads to Jesus not being divine, so we must come back to the start and reject the original statement. There's a pointless theological discussion to have over a pint when you've finished putting the world to rights.

We were then told the story of an 8 year old. Boy and his 4 year old sister separated from their parents by the floods in Mozambique. They were searching for their parents. During the search they had acquired from relief workers a bag of maize meal. They were keeping it as a present for their Mum and Dad. The sight of the boy caring for his sister was truly beautiful.

Does true beauty always come from adversity?

“I Thirst”

There is apparently a connection to my god my god …, although I'm still not sure I got it at all. There were a trio of ladies I over heard discussing it as we were leaving, so some of them got it.

Adrian sang a song which ended with the line “I would never choose freedom” (from God). I was thinking about freedom as we walked up among the daffodils yesterday. What is freedom for? What do you want to be free to do? Murder and Kill everything that isn't you? That is not freedom. Do you want the freedom to be kind, generous etc., well there is no law against it, so you have that freedom already – everywhere.

At the end we were asked to reflect on:

• What does forsakenness mean? >> rejection – but not in a nice way!

• What does thirst mean?

Session 6 – It is finished

More accurately accomplished or fulfilled.

Part of “Do not go gently into that good night” was read. It is Dylan Thomas' rage against the dying of his father.

What will our response be to death – it is hard to tell, they said, and that is certainly true. My response has been different to each death I have experienced. It changes with the relationship to the person, my own age, and the circumstances.

“What will our response be to our own death?” The question should be phrased as “What will our response be to the knowledge that we are dying?” as it is impossible to have a response come back from beyond the grave.

Raging at the end of life they said is because we are somehow unfinished, there are things left to do. We are unfulfilled, or perhaps I could say, unkindly, unaccomplished. It is because of a lack of trust in God, that he has the answers to the unfathomable question that is the meaning of life. That may well be true for some, and if you have a “life's work” then dying before it is complete is indeed something to be raged against. Most of us though do not have a “life's work” set out before us at any time. This raised some difficult questions for me, being so thankful that my accident didn't kill me, as it so easily could have. (Falling over is the most common cause of premature death in the UK)

Disturbingly, for me, when I ask the question “Why am I still here?”, I seem to get the deeply unsatisfactory answer “It doesn't matter”. Which ever interpretation I put on that doesn't help with the process of living, or do anything to adjust the raging level at dying (can you rage less or more than you once did?).

My training as a reader taught me little, but showed me lots. It showed me that there are other lives out there, other experiences that I had no inkling of. Much of this came from my placement, but some also from the training itself. There is so much I don't know anything of, I don't even know if I can't understand it! To only come across these things after half a century of life just shows how poor my life has been so far. Sure I am unfulfilled, look what You have shown me!! Imagine living in a village on a plain all your life, then as you approach old age discovering hills, mountains even!

Edmund shared a story from his ministry. He used to visit the trauma ward, and minister to those with broken hips, arms, etc. He was used to doing it. One day the person he spoke to was a dying cancer patient, He was thrown, and she ended up ministering to him. She was so serene. Edmund wrote her a letter and burned it. That was his response -you can't send that sort of letter. How I would love to hear the other side of that story.

The story made me ask whether I really do do ministry?

A picture of fulfilment is Simeon, who said on seeing the baby Jesus, “Now I can die happy (fulfilled). We do not know that Simeon was old, just that he was fulfilled. My questioning started again. “How can you live a life if you are already fulfilled?” I cannot conceive of it.

We were asked to reflect on:

What would enable us to say 'It is finished' at the end of our lives?
What are the things we have left to fulfil?
Where is the wholeness we long for?
Can we receive?

Session 7 Communion – Into your hands I commit my spirit

Many of the songs we had sung were used at this service, which had a fairly traditional flavour. The session was all about trust in God. The question for me was How much do I really trust in God? I trust my self, my judgement and my abilities, and I like to think I understand my limitations. I trust in those close to me for the day to day things that are needed. I trust in stranger when I have to (surgeons, anaesthetists, for example). I trust in God when there is no-one else. Shouldn't it be the other way up? I suppose so, but how exactly to you trust in God to get you to the bus stop in the morning?

The Journey Home

Friday morning was foggy, in packing and tidying up I broke a table lamp. It was not a good start. No superb views across the uplands, just fog, and the red lights of the car in front, all the way to the Motorway. That was slow too, because of the Fog. Before we got to the M4 I missed The Cabin, Lee Abbey, and the time we had spent there. We arrived home mid-afternoon, I was tired out by the difficult drive, and doing too much (all) of it, because I'm stubborn.

At the Cabin - Wednesday

I slept well past dawn, after an interrupted night with shoulder pains, and made porridge in the rather too keen microwave – it starts working before I have finished setting it up.

Both our colds are getting worse.

There was an outbreak of South African termites in the kitchens, people were asked to check their cereal carefully. It is of course 'All fools day'

Session 3 Truly I say to you today you will be with me in paradise.

It is only fair to note that I had a problem engaging with the material this morning, but here's what I got:

The reading was from Luke were one of the criminals is asking for help, and the other is abusive. Someone has said that these are two sides of the same coin. Both are in all of us.

Adrian played “Burdens of guilt” an attempt to get inside Judas, and suggests that Judas was aware of what he was doing and that life would not be worth living afterwards. He suggests there is some connection between the criminal on the cross and Judas. While his effort makes for some good music (good here equates to what I like to listen to), I'm not so sure that getting too deeply into Judas is really very helpful. There seems to have been an attempt to somehow rehabilitate him recently. The Gospel of Judas making quite a comeback, but it was not added to the cannon of scripture for a reason. Personally I find this unhelpful, I have enough sins of my own to deal with to concentrate on someone else's – someone whose life I cannot influence.

Repentance was the real message this morning. A piece from Tolstoy was read that talks about “What had seemed good seems evil, and what had seemed evil seems good” It describes the turning around that repentance means.

Then then was some talk of 'collective repentance' and the South African Apartheid regime falling. It was a view that was entirely new to me, and I have yet to assimilate it. The message I get from the amazing change in S.A. Is forgiveness, not repentance. The Truth and Justice commission provided a means for the awful things that were done to be brought into the public domain without the need for revenge. What I did not, and still cannot see is any corporate repentance. I have not heard of a large number of the former leadership, and the church that supported it saying that they were wrong and have changed their approach. Have I missed something?

One good story came from it though.

This for me is an illustration of faith:

Archbishop Desmond Tutu was preaching in his cathedral when several armed police arrived, with journalists with recording equipment in order to get evidence to prosecute him. He stopped preaching and watched them closely. Eventually he said “Since you have already lost, why don't you come and join the winning side. He smiled at them a knowing but sincere smile. The effect was not on those who had come to collect the evidence, but on his congregation, who rose up dancing and celebrating. They danced out of the church, and the police waiting outside moved out of their way.

The people who responded to requests for material for this section of the book concentrated on Social sins, such as:

• environmental damage

• valuing people for how they look not who they are

• the inequality between rich and poor

We were asked what our grandchildren would look back at and say “How can you have let that happen?”

My favourite candidates for the answer are:

• Genocide: Rwanda, Bosnia, Darfur, and there will be others.

• Euthanasia, already practised in some places, and soon to become para-legal in the UK, I expect.

• Abortion.

The rest of it I largely lost until the reflection questions at the end.

What are the joys our faith brings?

What are we struggling with? - need to repent of?

I may choose to try to answer these later, but certainly not just at the moment.

Session 4 – Woman Behold your son! Behold your mother!

At the start of this session I was handed a chime bar, along with seven others and invited to join in. Me, perhaps the least musical person in the room! 'So how did it go?', I hear you ask. How can I tell, I'm probably the least musical person in the room!

Nothing but goodness, nothing but peace,
nothing but heaven's sweet release

Don't you know that its all coming true
One day we'll all be shining new
Adrian Snell

We sang the song together and Adrian played, and sang other parts.

The dream of the rood screen. A rood screen separates the chancel from the Nave - that I knew. What I didn't know was that they have the picture of Jesus handing Mary over to John's keeping. I had never heard of theis poem before, so I'll have to do more research on early English Christianity.

Adrian sag a song from The passion which tells the story of these verses. It contains the line:

“Shout what you can see, my power can set them free”.

I supposed it is directed at John in the song, but it hit me that I don't shout about 'what I can see', although I am clear with people that I'm a Christian, I rarely if ever check that their understanding and mine are similar.

Lynton

In the afternoon we went into Lynton to get some stocks of supplies – fish, bread, milk and vegetables. We had a coffee in a restaurant that sold fair trade coffee. We bought some coasters form a girl who was trying to clear out the shop for the owner to put new stock in, and a couple of candles as presents from a shop that had a notice that said

“We lost our butcher,
we lost our baker
support you local candle maker”

Nice – clever I like it.

He starts work at 5am 7 days a week and most days he will still be going at 5pm – when the shop shuts, he told us he loves his work – I should think he would have to.

In one of the shops where we bought some Exmoor honey. I still had my Lee Abbey badge on, the shopkeeper checked we had come from Lee Abbey, then mentioned how appropriate my name was. - I'd never thought of that before! It reminds me of the Monty Python's Travel Agent Sketch and Mr Smoketoomuch.

• how did I respond – badly as usual - 'I was born with it, well most of it' lame or what?

Chat Room – Evening meeting

Adrian and Edmund answering questions and doing room 101. Quite enjoyable. Adrian has quite a wicked sense of humour when he gets going.

Nearly got a chance to speak to Edmund, but he was interrupted – how rude.

At the Cabin - Tuesday

I woke just as the sunlight made it not completely dark. It is a long time since turning the light out has meant that I'm unable to see, there is always some light from somewhere – street lights, other lights in the house, but not here, on a cloudy night there are no other lights. I could not see my hand. It made getting to sleep so much easier.

It was a good nights sleep, the only disturbances being the central heating pump, which we are not allowed to turn off, and the incredibly loud owls. It was a good night for listening to owls if that's your thing.

We breakfasted on the supplies we had brought with us, and showered in a beautifully warm shower, then after a brief look at Sunday's sermon, it was off to the big house up the hill. We arrived slightly early and had to wait outside the octagonal room. They were still rehearsing. Edmund Newell and Adrian Snell introduced us to the business of the week.

Session 1 - Via dolorosa

Adrian started with 'Simon Carry my Cross', and some reflections on what it means to bear Christ's cross for ourselves. We had some words of true wisdom from Warner on the same topic on the previous Sunday, and I have to say they were more use than the reflections passed on to us from the now Archbishop Rowan Williams. Warner reminded us that our cross is voluntary, not something (like an injury or illness) that just happens to us. Our cross is something we choose. Today we heard about the offence of picking up a cross. A cross - a symbol of the authority of the Roman empire. One Good Friday some time ago I used an electric chair to try to give a sense of the impact of taking your cross voluntarily. Taking it up an act of rebellion against that authority was a little to deep for me, but the morning is to get harder yet. I can only respond that my decision for Christ (when I was 24) seemed nothing like a rebellion – more of a home coming, suddenly arriving where I always wanted to be, without knowing where the wanted to be place was.

The rest of this session was largely lost as I tried to understand the nature of the rebellion I had taken part in. Certainly a rebellion against the world and all it stood for. The outrageous profit motive and the disgust when instead of a profit there was a loss. The use of people 'human resources' to staff a business, to generate profit no matter what the cost. I now know the cost is greater for those I couldn't see compared to the few I could. Other than that I struggle to see it in Che Guevara terms, but more in Woolfie Smith (Citizen Smith) terms – perhaps that's a comment on my effectiveness as a revolutionary. The other picture that occurred was the sight of 60 something 60 somethings as revolutionaries – but I guess even revolutionaries get old – so long as they don't get established they are still revolutionaries.

Session 2 - Father Forgive

Session 2 started after a coffee break during which I took in the grounds (no pun intended). I was standing admiring the view thinking that the only thing to ruin it was our car, parked half way up the hill opposite. Listening to the crows in the trees near by fighting over nest space or a mate, I could not tell. There were sounds of other birds too. I have often wondered what the sound of the world was like before mechanisation. Then the chain saw started – the estate is busy re-naturalising, and has another 90 rhododendron bushed to cut down and dig out.

Returning after coffee we were considering whether the words “Father forgive them, they do not know what they are doing” were added to some copies of John's gospel, or removed from some copies of John's gospel. They are certainly not present in all the old copies. The leaders did not make a suggestion, but did discuss the reasons why it may have been added or removed – anti-Semitism.

This discussion involved us being told about how badly Christianity has treated the Jews. I say Christianity, because I'm not sure if I mean Christians. Anyhow it was bad, appallingly bad, and remained so for many centuries. Of course we focused on the holocaust. Adrian told the story of his time in Germany when he visited a British Army camp. They had a difficult time, the equipment misbehaved, the audience heckled. Adrian spoke to the chaplain, who said yes, most people who come here have the same sense of oppression that you have. They were in the headquarters building for Bergen Belsen – one of the notorious concentration camps. They visited the site, and while there experience the ground vibrate because of the British Army practising close by. Adrian said the God brought to mind the verse about Cain's blood (the blood of the innocents) crying out from the ground There is a memorial in Jerusalem to the holocaust - party of it is in memory of the 1.5 million children who died. It is arranged so that a few candles show 1.5 million flames with the help of mirrors. The names of those who died are read quietly. These two images lead to the production “The Cry”.

Where was God during the holocaust?

That is the wrong question - it should be Where was man? When God is dethroned these are the kind of things that can happen. Even if they are 'supported' by Christians. Marting Luther wrote some letters/pamphlets/books called 'against the Jews' – and so did many others – If you are to blame Godless men, then I think Martin Luther and many other Christians must share the blame. I also doubt that you can call them Godless men. This is the same as the atheists blaming all war on religion. That is also misleading, and untrue – Stalin was responsible for the deaths of thousands of his people, and could not be considered religious.

When man is evil to other men it is called sin. God does not prevent sin – we all know that. We all know that we are of the same stock as the Nazi's, the communists, the Spanish Inquisition. We are all capable, some of us are fortunate enough to live in circumstances where our latent tendencies do not get the chance to flourish. Perhaps we should also thank God for that.

Where was God in the Holocaust? In the massacres of Pol Pot, or the various purges in Russia, China, or Rome, or at any other time in history when men have tortured and massacred each other?

Suffering with the victims and their families is my best answer.

Nature walk

We met outside the house at two thirty (and someone did the Chinese dentist joke – not me for once). The it was off to a few places around the estate to see what is being done. Lee Abbey have teamed up with Arocha and Natural England to manage the estate in the traditional way, as it was when we were children, according to the guide. So out come the rhododendrons, the sycamore's and the bracken, and in go ponds for the children to see tadpoles (but not collect them). It is an interesting experiment, but I am a little sceptical of the overall aims. If you want a truly natural England, just how far back do you have to go, and how much land should we return to virgin forest? Still it was a nice, if rather short walk, back to 'The Cabin' to see the midland fence that I saw them doing the other day.

I can remember having tadpoles, and watching them grow, changing from a fish, to something with two legs, then four, and finally letting the tiny frog escape into the long damp grass at the bottom of the garden. I can remember counting them every morning to see how many had died – we started with a lot, but rarely let more than two go. I'm also pretty sure we bought the frog spawn from the pet shop! This would be totally unacceptable today, and I'd expect Natural England to be outraged at the very idea, but it did teach us about nature, and it did teach us about life and death (to a degree, its hard to get attached to a tadpole). It also spread the frog population out across the gardens of the country.

International Night

The community that is Lee Abbey has members from all over the world. The Host Team – the group responsible for being the face of the house for this week – seem to be the leaders of this session. Our compare is German, and like all Germans (I'll stick with the stereotypes, but I do know they are) speaks very good English. Various members of staff perform, they are all very talented and capable, a few though are worthy of note. A girl who I think is a schools worker does an excellent job with her creation theme and her little 'fluffy' a puppet she has made and loves. She has a good voice too, and is more used to being in front of an audience than most. The leader of the Host Team does a mime about a guy who finds a box of chocolates and just can't resist another one– he is exceptional, and very funny. The last act was three girls swinging lights around to music, it doesn't sound much but it was a compelling visual display as the patterns they made change and merged and the separated again. I looked like hard work.

We decided against Chapel, and the late night film, which didn't sound that interesting, and came back to The Cabin, across the grass, instead of up the hill, more dangerous in the pitch dark, but a much shorter journey than last night.

At the Cabin - Monday

We left the rather disappointing Clifton Hotel in Bristol, where we had stayed overnight. Its a city hotel, so I shouldn't have been surprised at the very small room, or probably the buy everything attitude, but I was. There was plenty of noise, but it stopped quite early, after that you could hear the sound of the dead bodies being dragged across the floor (the staff tidying up!). In the morning more strange noises – perhaps caused by the lift, as we were somewhere behind the lift shaft. The under building garage, 2 minutes walk from the hotel, was very strange, with a code for the door and motion sensors for lights and for leaving from inside. The roller shutter door did not inspire confidence as it slowly, oh so slowly raised its self above head height.

So off we went to find the Clifton suspension bridge, having decides that over £7 for toast and tea was too much. The bridge was only a little over a mile away. It is an impressive site, built in the 19^th century, it almost wasn't finished due to lack of funds. Brunell is remembered for this probably above anything else but is wasn't finished until after his death.

We found a motorway service station to breakfast at. A place of order and efficiency, or so I expected- sadly not so. All we wanted was cereal and milk, toast and jam. Nothing was where I, or the staff expected it to be. I had to ask three different people for Jam!! While eating I read of Jensen's famous victory. Buying a Monday morning Times used to be a tradition with me in the Damon hill days.

I set the sat-nav to avoid motorways, I needed things to do on the drive to stay awake after the poor night in the Clifton. "We could end up anywhere!", "We could end up anywhere!" – Jo was not happy, but we used to just drive before we had a sat-nav and time isn't pressing. Later I found out that she'd spent a lot of time splitting the journey into two short drives to take care of my shoulder.

We followed the A390 and were astounded at the accident rate – hundreds of accidents in the last five years. Why have they not done some road improvements?

Then a stop at Sainsbury's for shopping and petrol. The toilet had very strange blueish light (ultra violet?), I have never seen this before and can only conclude that is is to make people leave quickly. It certainly had that effect on me.

On into Lynmouth - the hills have warnings here, and escape lanes so that there is somewhere to go if your brakes are on fire. Some of the views on the road are amazing. We stopped a couple of times.

Going up is as much fun as coming down. Going round one corner we came across a deer crossing the road – it is a very rare sight, they are usually scared of traffic (sacred of anything actually).

Arriving at Lee Abbey we had some difficulty finding the Cabin.

It is small and very warm, entering by the kitchen there is a short hallway to the bedrooms and lounge, which is in an extension and does not get so hot. In the lounge there is the constant sound of running water from the brook right outside. It is very quiet, just the occasional car or walker.

Back up at the abbey (the big house) the session is starting and Adrian Snell is playing a couple of tracks from the Passion. Later Psalm 27 was used as a chant. It is going to be an interesting week - “Seven words (from the cross) for the 21st century”. Being rude I have to say that most of the people there didn't look like they would be seeing as much as half the century, or even a quarter. Probably me included!

Hot chocolate is provided before prayer, there is a small bookstall next to the serving hatch. There is a book called "The Blokes Bible" which caught my eye almost immediately – I have lost track of the Men's outreach stuff recently, but it seems there is still something that God is trying to say there.